Thank you to everyone who commented/ messaged/ texted/ generally encouraged me yesterday in response to my post. It's wonderful and weird being vulnerable to both strangers and loved ones but I think it's ultimately quite rewarding, despite being risky.
On the note of riskiness: I received a message from someone in reference to the following part of that particular entry:
"The pain has certainly eased up since then. It's been over ten years, for Christ's sake. But there's something new that is taking its place... this fear, this anxiety, that I'm going to forget her completely."
The messenger was concerned about my using the Lord's name in vain and wanted to remind me of the preciousness of the name of Jesus Christ. I want to assure that person (and anyone else reading) that I did not, in fact, forget about the third commandment. I am thankful for that person's bravery in approaching me (albeit cyberly); it's certainly not easy! I wanted to post my response here in case anyone else had the same concern:
Thanks for your message. I appreciate you standing up for your beliefs and I know it takes a lot of courage to confront people.
My reason for keeping my wording in that (and all of my) blog posts is not at all out of flippancy for the name of the Lord, nor is it for shock value.
I strive to be very authentic in my posts, and the truth is that if I were talking to a friend over coffee about the real and raw emotions of my heart I wouldn't censor myself. The truth is, I have a long way to go in the refinement of myself as a "good" person, and unfortunately when I am vulnerable I slip up. Sometimes I say not-so-nice things, sometimes I even curse. It's not a habit and it's not something you'll hear (or read, since you and I don't speak face to face) often, but it's there- seldom as it may be, it's still there.
I think it's unfortunate that so much of what exists in the blog world is polished- messy houses cleaned to look good for pictures, messy marriages shined up for the sake of looking good, and raw dictation edited for the sake of being unoffensive. People, in blogs, often "clean up" their faiths so that they look polished and perfect. I don't want to be that. I never want to come across as having a perfect faith, or a perfect life in general. So, as I was writing my post (which I often go about doing as if I were writing in my journal- sort of "stream of consciousness" like) that was what first came to my head. I thought about editing it for that very reason- that we are not to use the Lord's precious name in vain. But I'd already done so in my head and my goal is and always will be to show my authentic self to those who read my blog- sins and flaws included.
So there you have it. I understand that this blog isn't for everyone; I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would rather stay away from messy rawness. Likewise, there are plenty of blogs that post lots of pretty pictures and tasty recipes and fun DIYs without the personal-life stuff. This isn't one of them (though I hope it's not all heavy- I try to keep it lighthearted on occasion too!) and I hope that the words I convey on this page consistently ring true to the person I am in real life.
Image via A Cup of Jo
Image via A Cup of Jo