Found.

Monday, September 30, 2013



Did you ever play hide and seek as a kid? (If you didn't- you're never too old to start) I have to brag for a second here and say that I was really good at hide and seek.  I was smaller than all of the other kids so I could fit in places that none of them could.  Sometimes, though, I was almost too good at it. As the person who was "it" slowly counted to ten, I'd nestle into my compact hiding spot and wait... and wait... and wait.  I learned quickly that it's no fun to hide if people stop looking for you.  Secretly, I wanted to be found.

As I got older and grew into an angsty, attention-hungry teen, this desire took on a different form.  There were a couple of times when my mom and I would get into huge fights and I'd "run away" from home.  I'd very conspicuously leave my window open, dramatically run down the block, and wait.  I didn't actually want to run away.  What I wanted was to be searched for.

Now, as an angsty, attention-hungry adult, I sometimes find myself doing the same thing with Tyler.  I'll be trapped in a vortex of insecurity and occasionally I'll pick a fight just so I can walk in the other room, shut the door, and wait.  The truth is, I don't need alone time to cool off.  I need to feel missed. I need to feel like I am being pursued.  I want to be found.

As embarrassing as it is to share these shortcomings, I don't think I'm alone in these desires.  I think we all intrinsically want to be pursued, to be sought after, and to be found.  I know in my heart that while Tyler can help soothe my wounds, he can't in and of himself fulfill those deep desires of my heart.  And it wouldn't be fair of me to expect him to- that's far too heavy a load for any one person to carry.  But fortunately I serve a God who does.

"Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life.”
-Psalms 23:6
                                                           **This post is linked up at Wedded Wednesdays**

3 comments

  1. Beautifully shared. I love this. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I did the same thing and I still do the same thing. David will think that I'm walking away, but all I want him to do is to follow me, chase after me, and pursue the reconciliation process. It's in these moments that I feel transported back to my childhood as I act in this child-like way. I may as well be waiting amongst my stuffed animals for my mom and dad to come get me...it's that innate and patterned. It feels good to read your words and know I'm not the only one who does this. xo

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    1. Thanks Kristie! It's always encouraging to know we're not alone in those longings!

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  2. I think we all want to be pursued on one level or another--especially by our spouses. But like you've said, Amanda, God is the only One who can really fill that void that we feel. On the other hand, I'm so glad your hubby has pursued you when you've need that reassurance. It tells me you and your hubby have a loving and healthy relationship, no matter how "angsty and attention-hungry" you may be at times! :) Thanks for this sweet reminder that we all want to be found--so maybe we need to remember to pursue our spouses even when it seems like they want to be free of us.

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