Monday, September 10, 2012

Here's the thing.

I'm scared, and I know it.

Last week I walked into what we'll call a large Gathering of people.  Beautiful, smart, well-dressed, confident people.  And I freaked.

I'm at an age at which I always thought I would "have it all together."   When I was younger I assumed that by the time I was a married woman with a Bachelor's degree I'd be the type of person who wore heels and made her bed and had great fashion sense and could carry on witty banter with whomever-she-dang-well-pleased.

But I've got to be real with you.  That's not me! I wish I could go everywhere barefoot.  I don't see the point in making my bed when I'm just going to get back in and mess it up in twelve hours.  I like hand-me-downs and don't have enough closet space for a ton of clothes.  And trying to carry on small talk with people can be intensely frightening to me.

That brings me back to last week. As I walked into that Gathering and was confronted with that hoard of people who obviously did have it all together, and who were bantering with quite a lot of wit and ease, I freaked.
Then I ran.
Then I hid.

Not symbolically.  I literally hid in my car for about an hour and had a great long pity party.
(It was beautiful, and I'm sorry you weren't invited.)

Even as I type this I can't help but think about what it will make people think of me.  Will I be judged? Will people roll their eyes at me? Will people tell their friends about me, and how I think I'm funny but I'm really not? Putting yourself out there, whether via internet or real-life, is scary.

But here's the other thing.

I know deep down that everyone in that room was just as scared as I was.

It may not have been about their clothes or social skills.
Maybe it was that grade he got on that test.
Maybe it was that sorority she didn't get into.
Maybe it was his parents telling him he wasn't measuring up.
Maybe it's that guy that just wouldn't give her a second look.

I'm pretty convinced that our insecurities, whatever they may be, are driven by our desperate need to compare ourselves to others.  I'm also convinced that comparison is the enemy of contentment.  It also happens to be a very powerful tool of The Enemy.  Even Jesus was tempted by Satan to compare himself to other powerful leaders of His time!  (Matthew 4:8)  But He stood firm.  He knew His identity in the Father, and He knew that God's opinion of Him was the only one that mattered.

Because Christ lived a perfect life and died for us, God sees us as perfect, too.  We are Holy and blameless in His sight; every single part of us, messy bed and bare feet included.


1 comment

  1. You are so well-spoken, and just stunning both inside and out. Way to go, Amanda!!